God Attacks the Jews With Venomous Snakes For Wanting Water

God Attacks the Jews With Venomous Snakes For Wanting Water

Jews just want water

What’s Up Heathens! Today on the podcast we have the Jews complaining about their situation again. They need water this time and go on with the whole doubting and reconsidering this entire trip so God throws some snakes at them.

So we start off today with Miriam dying. Miriam is the one that saved Moses as a child but then later got leprosy from God when she complained about Moses’ new wife. Then the Jews start their complaining about more water. It’s like they need it to live or something. So Moses and Aaron go face down / ass up to be plowed by god because they have to offer themselves due to the Jews bitching. Again Moses uses his rod to strike a rock so that the Jews have some water. Except, he doesn’t stroke God’s ego by giving all glory to him. So God said, ” Fuck Moses and Aaron. You guys can’t get into the Land of Milk and Honey now.”

[insert 40 years passing montage of the Jews]

Moses has a Gandalf fight with the Edomites over whether they can pass through their lands. Moses’ Gandalf impression was not as impressive as the Edomites. So they had to go to Mount Whore… erm Hor. Where Aaron dies mounting a whore or something. They mourn for 30 days.

After God delivers a victory against the Canaanites, they are still bitching. So God is just like fuck it I’ll shove snakes up their ass. he does this and kills many of them, his chosen people by the way,  but Moses pleads for them. God has Moses fashion a bronze snake that everyone can look upon and be cured. Cause that’s how snake bites work.

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