God Is Fictional

What’s Up Heathens! Today in the Bible God is going to kill more Israelites for no good reason.  24,000 of them to be exact. He does this because they started worshiping Midianite idols and sleeping with their women.

So we are starting out in Moab at Shit’em. I’m not sure why the town is named Shit’em but that is what it is. While at Shit’em the Israelites start to mingle with the local population and get into some sexual immorality. My guess is plowing the brown star of many Midianite women… and men. God is none too happy with this because only he can plow the assholes of people. So he starts killing people with the plague as he always does.

Thinking quickly though, Aaron’s grandson plunges his rod deep into an Israelite / Midianite couple and god is pleased so he only kills 24K Israelites. Then God orders the Israelites to just destroy the Midianites completely with the exception of the women and livestock, of course. God orders the murder of all the little male children as well. When they brought all the women back Moses was pissed off because God said kill everyone (Remember this is only because they worshiped different gods). So then Moses orders all the women who have seen dick to be killed but its totes not a sex thing (it was totes a sex thing).  So the rest of the girls could be taken as Sex Slave. Because God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Then we have to number these Israelites again because other than Moses there are none of the original tribe left. This is also how they divide up the land when they conquer Canaan. This is important for some reason.