Talking Donkeys are magical

What’s up Heathens! Today we are going to be talking about the magical talking donkey. Bamalamadingdong is going to ride a donkey and God is going to appear to the donkey only. Because that makes sense. He’s gonna beat his donkey a few times and then praise God.

First, we start out with Balak sending a bunch of princes to Balaam to convince him to curse the Israelites because obviously, they are crazy fuck. Balaam asks God if he should and of course, God says no. So Balak sends even more people to convince Balaam to curse them. God tells him to go with them, so Balaam mounts his donkey. God appears 3 times to the donkey to get it to stop. This is of course lieu of appearing to Balaam himself. I don’t know why he couldn’t just do that seems a bit easier.

God knew that Balaam was going to beat the donkey the 3 times. On the third time, the donkey turns around and basically says in an Eddie Murphey voice “What the hell I do to you motherfucka.” The donkey goes on to basically reason with him by saying that it’s never done this before so why the fuck don’t you think there is something else wrong. God then tells him that he’s mad that he went with the guys but also tells him to keep going with the guys. God is a finicky bitch.

What’s it about

This story legit has no rhyme or reason behind it. It’s filled magical numbers and magical animals. Not only did Balaam get instruction from god 3 times but he beat the donkey 3 times. He also builds 3 alters and sacrifices 3 sets of animals. Each time he sacrifices 14 animals to god. Basically, I think this story is supposed to teach you about not fucking with the Israelites.