satire,The Onion,homosexuality,LGBT

Mindless Sheep feed only those they agree with

Original Onion

The Onion recently posted a satire piece which I feel is pretty much calling those that criticize the sheepish nature of SOME Christians big douchecanoes. I don't think that this piece of satire really represents the reality of criticism that is dolled out to SOME Christians and the Christian faith on the whole. I submit to you a more accurate piece of satire.

Just a bit of forewarning, I do use some language that I don't normally use and would never use at all but I felt it was needed to drive my points home.

Mindless in Georgia

Reliable sources today confirmed that a group of mindless servants of their Lord, currently congregating at First Baptist Assembly of Christ where they blindly accept whatever simplistic fairy tales are fed to them, volunteer each Wednesday night to provide meals to impoverished members of the community. But not just any or all members of the community, only those members that they personally feel adhere to their misogynistic, mind dictator they call a lord. In statement by one of the church members, they said:

We only serve those that mindlessly serve the lord in all areas of their life. When they walk in the door they are given the standard CCPT (Christian Cherry Picking Test) assessment. We ask basic things on it like "Is god merciful?", "Are you a dirty fucking sinnner?", "What is the only way to not be a filthy human person anymore." You know all the basic things that we teach to our congregation. We don't serve faggots because our merciful and loving god says to stone those sodomite fucks. If you're a faggot this is not the place for you to come and get food, we will in fact turn you away if you suck dick. Hot lesbians will be admitted and fed though.

--- Joe Blow Christman

Joe has reported that many faggots have already been turned away, left hungry, and put in the street to freeze to death like the good lord wants them to be since the Government has yet to make being a faggot illegal and worthy of stoning. He was also keen to reassure us by saying:

Mind you I'm not a bigot because I don't hate faggots. God hates faggots and I just serve my god according to his inerrant and merciful word. They have a choice to serve god or suck dick and they made their choice.

Joe Blow Christman

The Faggot community isn't the only ones they are turning away either. They also don't serve Terroristic Muslims either. So far the loving congregation has turned away many that support the false god Allah. If you're a muslim or a jew, you won't be welcomed here... Only those that metaphorically suck Jesus dick can eat from our kitchen.

Currently this loving congregation of god's beloved children has been serving the correct residents of their area for some time and will continue to do so. Julie Raznor of the congregation had this to say:

It feels great to be able to serve the correct members of our community and weed out those that shouldn't even be apart of it. I can't tell you the number of times I have wanted to kick faggots and Muslims out of walmart when I see them getting food. Now I get to turn them away and serve those that pass the CCPT like I did. It feels great to share our food and time with those less fortunate than us and continuing to build the echo chamber of Christian mindlessness.

Julie Raznor

As of this post date, the congregation has given those that contribute to their echo chamber of ignorance multiple articles of clothing and provided over 100 hot meals to people that follow their murderously merciful lord and have denied several faggots in the process.

My thoughts

My thoughts on the subject of criticizing Christians that run soup kitchens or feed those less fortunate is the same as if someone were criticizing them as people in general. If you're following the section of The Bible that convinces you to not discriminate against anyone and to just love your neighbor, then I'm going to be nothing but supportive of your efforts. If you're like the type of christians I mentioned above, you can fuck the hell off. And yes they do exist, they may not use the language that I used but places like the Salvation Army will turn away individuals for simply being Homosexuals. If you don't live within the limits of their "god" then you don't get benefits like a warm bed, food, or clothing.

  1. The Salvation Army's history with the LGBT Community
  2. Church Volunteers turning a family away

Personally, The Onion article is half assed and is meant to paint christians as the perscuted minority that they think they are.

Created: 2015-01-11 09:35:36

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